wardsback backwards

[Late-night lightbulb moments and a little nerdy ranting from last summer.]


i think i associate backwards. like…mentally. i literally think this would explain my entire brain/school life. of things. like…i think how normal people think is by going: [thing—>abstract category—>other thing in abstract category].

and then some people have more boring/average abstract categories than other people. but they’re still abstract. because they’re important for remembering rules. abstract rules.

but i can’t make abstract categories. i don’t learn any abstract rules. because i can’t. so my brain just gave up, and tried to do all it’s thinking just using what i had. aka what my body and my senses could compute at any given moment. stuff that most people don’t even notice, because their brain learned that it’s not important. all of my categories are sensory/physical aspects of things. all of them. always.

for instance…categories that i put APPLES in:

  • things i eat
  • hand food
  • sweet food
  • hard food
  • things with smooth outsides
  • relatively round things
  • mealy things
  • things with flimsy outside layers
  • etc. etc.

this is how everything works. my brain is like: [thing—>sensory category—>other thing in sensory category]. and then yeah. it just makes possible bodies to experience things and then compares all the possible bodies experiencing all the imaginary possible things and that’s how it learns and thinks always. forever. i hate it and also love it more than anything else in the world but also don’t understand how a brain could work different than this.


i feel like people always say like “divergent thinking means coming up with lots of different weird answers because you see ALL the other options EVER!” because people assume that if you’re creative, it must be because you consider all possibilities that other people ignore. like…as if everyone’s normally all walking the same road together, and creative people are like “hey, look at all the other roads! i want to try all the other kinds of roads too. you guys are dumb for wanting to just walk on that road.”

but i’m shit at coming up with tons and tons of answers to a question. i want to think of the best possible answer. and test it ten thousand times, and then recheck it and then revise it and then test it again and whatever. but all my single answers are always really weird, and apparently my thought process confuses people. and everything i’ve read about the brain and creativity and how thinking works, is a lot of people saying that it isn’t possible to think how i think—or that if it is possible, it’s like…not human. it’s like how an animal would think, not a real person. it’s not logic, it’s just gut instinct, and it can’t be revised or reasoned with. which isn’t true.

i’m pretty sure that i’m not a divergent person. i’m pretty sure that i wasn’t even paying attention when everyone else started walking down one road. because i was building a fucking plane instead.

if people shouldn’t assume that any road the majority of people travel on is the right road, they also shouldn’t assume that the only way to travel is to walk. atypicality PSA over.

ImageSix- or seven-year-old me on a hike in a forest, sitting cross-legged in the middle of a running creek…with all my clothes on. And sticking out my tongue as far as I can–this was my go-to picture face for like over three years, and it served me exceptionally well.  



One thought on “wardsback backwards

  1. I spent the past few days reading this entire blog from front to back and now and coming back to comment on a few things. This right here is a hugely powerful moment and it totally blew me away:

    “i’m pretty sure that i’m not a divergent person. i’m pretty sure that i wasn’t even paying attention when everyone else started walking down one road. because i was building a fucking plane instead.”

    seriously. that’s so much everything. love this.

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