lazypost

i am too tired and not words enough to write the coherent things i was planning. so i just went back through old tumblrs/social media things, and compiled a small sampling of ridiculous things that i’ve said to the internet in the recent past. for kickz. enjoy.

I. emma is bad at sleeping, and also bad at un-sleeping after sleeping.

  • “5:30 AM: fall asleep with alarm set for 11 AM. all is well.
  • 8:30 AM: wake up. try, unsuccessfully, to fall back asleep. but too much tiny light.
  • 9 AM: eat entire box of cheez-its in bed. glower at teddy bear. hate all sunlight. 
  • maybe i will wear a soft shirt and then not be an asshole for the rest of the day.
  • maybe i will carry one of my squishy footballs in my backpack.
  • maybe acquisition of further bagels. eyes on the bagels. motivational bagels.
  • 9:20 AM: plaintive and insufferable sighing. i am a four-year-old.”

II. emma hearts poemz.

“blerg blerg blerg blerg. blerg blerg. blerg. william blake.”

III. emma has cavities, must be drugged into complacency.

“Nitrous is amazing. But all the big words I’m typing look misspelled, and it’s making me paranoid. One of my ears is numb, but there’s a headphone in it and that’s weird. One of my eyelids is also numb. Misspelled looks misspelled. My dental assistant divorced her husband because he wouldn’t let her have as many cats as she wanted. She tricked him by having three identical cats with the same name. He didn’t figure it out for four years. This program was brought to you by my teeth.”

IV. emma celebrates a holiday.

“How The Cool Kids Do The Holidays: 1. Ask for gift cards. 2. Get gift cards. 3. Use gift cards to get additional, exact copies of important belongings, because change is terrible. 4. Feel accomplished and mature. 5. Nap.”

V. emma is an insomniac and she sometimes goes on research binges in the corners of academic buildings for 24+ hours at a time during midterms and loses all ability to censor her thoughts before she posts them on the internet.

  1. “i live in a pineapple under the sea. i named the pineapple “ford hall [science building].” i am a sponge of knowledge.
  2. 43 hours of intermittent pineapple and counting. i am spongebob’s stylish gay cousin, spongefrederick skinnyjeans.
  3. i am wearing a tie.
  4. i have no filter. i am unfiltered. i figured out a crossword clue while i was taking a miniature nap, and now i can’t remember what i figured out. oh, wait. and it’s back. and it’s blatantly incorrect.
  5. i’ve been replacing the word “prostitute” with either “snowmen” or “frosty” when outlining my paper on whiteboards (for the past few days, not like…just now), because i don’t want people to like walk by and see me writing about child prostitutes all over a whiteboard in public. but now i’ve started picturing all of the characters as snowpeople. literal sentence from a on-the-board outline right now: “the artful dodger provides the best contrast with oliver, since he’s definitely a snowman.”
  6. “spongefrederick skinnyjeans”  is actually gold. like, i’m really proud of myself. totally spontaneous.”

and with that, i bid you goodnight, and BANANAPHONE.

scan0007

I am ten and I am curled up on the couch in my living room on Christmas Eve (there’s a Christmas tree and stockings behind me). I am wearing a t-shirt, and soccer shorts over a pair of thick tights (because sensory things), and sneakers. All of my large-Beanie-Baby-sized stuffed animals lined up on the top of the couch in a row facing towards the fireplace. I am holding my two tiger stuffed animals. “Emma Pretzel, under-dressed and over-prepared since 1992.”

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2 thoughts on “lazypost

  1. “My dental assistant divorced her husband because he wouldn’t let her have as many cats as she wanted. She tricked him by having three identical cats with the same name. He didn’t figure it out for four years.”

    This is hilarious.

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