busy and sad

i’ve been rather busy (in my sense of the word, not the normal person’s sense of the word) and haven’t quite had the energy to write lots of things. or, at least, to write things here. but i will try my best to keep writing things. i have an idea of something to write that i think is hella valuable, so we’ll see how that goes. for now, i’m mostly like, vacillating between being totally INTO something, and feeling isolated/mopey and sad. as per usual, honestly?

i think i’m starting to have people again. or finally. can never tell the difference. it’s difficult when you have yet to find friends somewhere who actually stick with you? because then, every time you get to know new people who could be your friends, you’re like “ah, fuck. i really hope this doesn’t end up like every other time ever.” and it makes one quite nervous, really.

it’s not that i’m someone who has difficulty getting ALONG with people; i don’t. i’ve been told i’m quite…”charismatic”? i hate that word, because it makes me feel like an appalachian snake-handler or something. but the issue is that i just really don’t have the executive functioning to keep up friendships with people who are really typically social–i.e. who want to “go out” and “do things” and expect me to engage in all the extra-curricular hoo-has that most people think of as necessary for a “real” “friendship.”

we start out just fine. i’m funny and helpful and smart. but then after a while, they realize that i really don’t like to go other places. that i really don’t leave the academic buildings much. that i’m actually twelve times more nerdy than they thought i was. that i don’t really open up about much. ever. that sometimes i just don’t talk. and i won’t want to go eat in the dining halls much, because they’re loud. that i don’t like changing/switching what i’m doing, or where i’m sitting. that when the number of people gets above like two or three, i stop being able to deal well with any social things. that i get stuck on single topics and talk and talk and just want to tell you about them because they’re so cool and i’m reading this book and like–etc. that my “funny, helpful, smart” self is conditional on my routines, my environment, and my special interests all remaining unchanged and reliable.

and suddenly they’re “concerned” about me. or they “miss” me. even though they always know exactly where i am, and choose to never come and see me. suddenly, their friendship becomes conditional on me giving up my routines, or me conforming to their habits and movements. because if i really “wanted to” see them, or if i really “cared” then i’d hang out with them wherever they were. this has happened multiple times. i think this time might be the time that it works out better. but then, i always think that, soooooo…

yeah.

0733227-R1-23-23

I’m eighteen, and this is back when I had long hair (which is in a ponytail). I’m sitting on a bench, wearing blue jeans, a blue scarf, a blue windbreaker, and a blue headband (anybody want to guess what my favorite color is?). My friend is sitting next to me (you can’t see her) and has decided to take a picture with the disposable camera really close to my face, and it’s flashing. So I’m like cringing away from the flash and making an unhappy face. I hate. HATE. camera flashes. Since infancy. I’m not exaggerating. 

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