autism science comedy hour: third installment? i think?

Some choice titles from the latter half of this calendar year:

“Metabolomics as a Tool for Discovery of Biomarkers of Autism Spectrum Disorder in the Blood Plasma of Children.”
My commentary: GO TO FAIL. Go directly to fail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. On a list of “places it makes sense to look for ‘markers’ of autism,” I believe “the blood plasma of children” only ever cracks the top five when the list is written by an actual vampire.

“Hyper-Theory-Of-Mind in Children with Psychotic Experiences.”
My commentary: I’m not laughing at you. I swear. Really. Not even laughing at all. Well. Maybe giggling. Just a little bit. Okay a lot. Maybe more than giggling? Yeah, okay, I’m laughing at you.

“Resveratrol prevents social deficits in animal model of autism induced by valproic acid.”
My commentary: The best part about this paper is its use of something called “The Three-Chamber Sociability Test.” The second best part about this paper is that its animal model is the rat. The sociability test involves three cages: a central, empty, neutral chamber, and two other adjacent chambers, one of which contains an empty cage, and the other of which contains a cage with a rat-stranger inside. The subject rats are determined to be typically sociable if they spend more time in the chamber with the rat-stranger’s cage than they do in the chamber with the empty cage. This does not make sense to me: 1. All the bitchy internet introvert discussion forums would like to collectively object to any test that labels rats “anti-social” simply because they don’t like hanging out with a male stranger more than they like hanging out by themselves. 2. When you’re a human in a system of enforced/monitored cages, and you’re given the choice between sharing a room with a strange dude, and having your own room, you want your own damn room.

Don’t ask me about my feelings about valproic acid. Don’t.

“Autism spectrum disorders: from genotypes to phenotypes.”
My commentary: There’s a saying about carts and horses that I could quote here, but I’ve decided not to.

Plus two titles from general neuroscience that I found briefly entertaining:

“Executive function and self-regulated exergaming adherence among older adults.”
My commentary: Whoever came up with the word “exergaming” needs to fucking cool it with the portmanteaus. What a deeply, deeply unnecessary word.

“Your body, my body, our coupling moves our bodies.”
My commentary: Another for my collection of “Sometimes scientists try and be creative, and the results are deeply disturbing.” Said collection also contains classics such as: “‘Some like it hot’: spectators who score high on the personality trait openness enjoy the excitement of hearing dancers breathing without music.”

Adieu, friends.

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3 thoughts on “autism science comedy hour: third installment? i think?

    • It’s quite obvious that I need to be using “To cure my autism…” as the reply to any inquiry as to my eating and drinking habits. “Emma, why are you eating like an entire cake’s worth of individually-sold German chocolate cake slices?” “To cure my autism. Duh.”

      • I wonder how far one could push “to cure my autism” as an excuse.

        “I’m going to watch Netflix all day to cure my autism.”
        “I need a two-week extension on this paper to cure my autism.”
        “If you bought me a new car, it might cure my autism.”

        …It makes as much sense to me as reservatrol or ABA, plus I’d be traumatized less.

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